Top 215 Quotes & Sayings by Phyllis Diller - Page 2

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

self-pity is better than none.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

All mothers are working mothers.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.