Top 215 Quotes & Sayings by Phyllis Diller - Page 3

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.