Top 105 Quotes & Sayings by Ralphie May - Page 2

You can have a poli-science degree but if you don't know people, it doesn't do you a bit of good when you're talking to someone.

Fat people are the only people you can still make fun of in this country.

So many comics, skinny and fat, make fat jokes.

I'm not PC all the time in my phrasing, because that meets a wall; people won't hear it.

I keep my nose clean. I let the drama go on with somebody else.

When I get emotional about something, that's usually when funny comes.

Political correctness, to me, is an enemy.

I never wanted to be known as a fat comic, just a comic who happens to be fat.

L.A. is not a place where people walk.

Jay Mohr saved my life. That's not an overstatement either.

When I do jokes that maybe are seen as social commentary, I research them to the nth degree. I probably do more research than I do actual joke writing. I want to make sure what I'm saying is correct.

I'm a dirty, filthy animal and I'm a dirty comedian, but I got a lot of charisma and charm.

In L.A., fat people are mythical. We're like Big Foot. 'Oh, yeah, my cousin knows someone who's fat.' Nobody's fat in L.A.

I think there's a bias against fat people on network television.

The overwhelming majority of my material has very little to do with my weight. It's certainly not the crux of my material.

I didn't get into comedy to be loved by everybody.

I grew up in a little town in Arkansas called Clarksville and it was a weird existence, you know? I grew up white trash; we had holes in our walls.

I've been shortchanged and overlooked my whole life. And if you boo-hoo about everything, that's all you're going to do your whole life.

California is prejudiced about fat people.

I don't like being run out of any town.

My jokes aren't predicated on my weight that much. I talk about it some, but it's definitely not the focus, so I don't feel any pressure to stay big.

I want to raise awareness about evils perpetuated on American citizens by other American citizens.

I've had people hate me for my appearance. I think it gets me a certain level of empathy with the audience. If I was white and handsome and privileged, I probably couldn't talk about what I talk about because people wouldn't believe that I have empathy or I could be evenhanded and objective. It's strange.

I'm topical as hell. That's not going to change if I lose weight. There are a lot of comics that do 'fat jokes' better than I do - Louie Anderson, John Pinette, Gabriel Iglesias. These guys are phenomenal.

I've always been Ralphie, ever since I was a kid. My grandfather was Ralph. It suits me better to be Ralphie.

I wouldn't want my comedy show to hurt anybody. I'm not Donald Trump.

People have been calling me names and setting me back my whole life. And with every fight it's just given me more fuel to my fire and in doing so I've become a success.

I've had allergies since I was a kid.

Comedy is not about appearance; it's about rockin' a mike. Are they laughing? That's the only test.

I've never seen myself as a victim because of my physicality. If I did play that game, I wouldn't be the comedian that I am.

People don't know where to place me, and I think that's why my audience is so big.

In my entire life I've spent maybe three weeks with my dad under the same roof.

Most comics give you what you want. I give you what you need.

My audience expects me to push the limits, to be politically incorrect. I do that because for me, that's the only place where the fun is, when I get to push the boundaries and make people laugh at things that they probably didn't want to laugh at.

I've been enjoying classes at the gym, where people look at me because I'm fat. At the end of the workout, they're sucking air and I've beaten them because I have more heart, because I had it much harder.

My average fan works for about $20 per hour, if they are lucky enough to have a job. And then factoring in insurance, taxes and such, they're maybe bringing home $15 per hour. If my tickets are just under $30, it took them about two hours of their life to make the money to come see my show. Why shouldn't I give them two hours too?

The iPhone rules, but it does everything but get a call, you know? I can't tell you how many times my wife has been madder at me because cell phone coverage dropped and she thought I hung up on her.

I go out and I meet people after the show, I take every picture that they ask for, I sign every autograph that they want. You know, there's merchandise for sale, but people don't have to buy anything. I'll sign their tickets, I'll sign whatever they want me to, I'll get a picture with them and I'll stay there with them as long as they want.

I know I wanted to be a comic when I was nine. I was thirteen the first time I did it. I was attending a Methodist Church youth retreat at the University of Southern Alabama. They held a talent show on the last night. I won, and then I made out with a 14-year-old girl from Prattville, Alabama.

As a man seeing someone, have a decision: You can be correct or you can be glad.

My father passed on one important piece of relationship advice before he died. He said son, in a relationship you can either be right or you can be happy. You'll soon find out that you don't care that much about being right.

If you want to be called a dwarf you must be in immediate possession of a battle axe cause otherwise your just a midget with an attitude.

Jesus was a pothead- long hair, beard, sandals, carpenter- do the math it all adds up. Living with twelve guys with no visible means of support.

Roses are red, violets are blue, so are my balls thanks to you.

I live in a very dangerous part of Los Angeles? it's called Los Angeles.