Top 215 Quotes & Sayings by Rita Rudner - Page 2

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.

While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.