Top 215 Quotes & Sayings by Rita Rudner - Page 4

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

Never take candy from strangers.

I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

Cats are a waste of fur.

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!