Top 118 Quotes & Sayings by Robert Orben
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American entertainer Robert Orben.
Last updated on December 18, 2024.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'
With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
If you can laugh together, you can work together.
Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
President Ford used humor a great deal.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.
Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world
The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.
For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."
It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.
Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!
Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
A compliment is verbal sunshine.
New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!
Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.
I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
Related Authors
Adam Carolla Quotes
American
Entertainer
Andrew Flintoff Quotes
English
Entertainer
Conan O'Brien Quotes
American
Entertainer
David Copperfield Quotes
American
Entertainer
Dick Cavett Quotes
American
Entertainer
Earl Nightingale Quotes
American
Entertainer
Jamie Hyneman Quotes
American
Entertainer
Jon Stewart Quotes
American
Entertainer
Khloe Kardashian Quotes
American
Entertainer
Marc Maron Quotes
American
Entertainer
Martha Stewart Quotes
American
Entertainer
Oprah Winfrey Quotes
American
Entertainer
Penn Jillette Quotes
American
Entertainer
RuPaul Quotes
American
Entertainer
Rush Limbaugh Quotes
American
Entertainer
Simon Cowell Quotes
British
Entertainer