Top 118 Quotes & Sayings by Robert Orben - Page 2

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.

I don't see why religion and science can't cooperate. What's wrong with using a computer to count our blessings?

It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

Individuality' is the key to success.

It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.

Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.

Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

To exercise is human; not to is divine.

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, "Guess Who?" She's a divorce lawyer.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education--show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.

All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature.

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains.... But it can put mountains where there are none. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Nowadays, you cannot be a very Effective political figure without Having a demonstrable sense of humor. People take to it.

As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

Humor is a marvelous communications tool, as Reagan has demonstrated so well. He has weathered many a storm that others might not have. With Reagan, people just say, 'There he goes again.' A sense of humor allows a president to back off a little from the tensions of the moment and take a calmer view of things.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

You wouldn't want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.

Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.'

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.