Top 373 Quotes & Sayings by Rodney Dangerfield
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Rodney Dangerfield.
Last updated on September 9, 2024.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
at fractions.'
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
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