Top 373 Quotes & Sayings by Rodney Dangerfield - Page 2
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Rodney Dangerfield.
Last updated on November 22, 2024.
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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