Top 373 Quotes & Sayings by Rodney Dangerfield - Page 4
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Rodney Dangerfield.
Last updated on November 8, 2024.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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