Top 373 Quotes & Sayings by Rodney Dangerfield - Page 5

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

I can't get no respect.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I have three kids, one of each.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!