Top 373 Quotes & Sayings by Rodney Dangerfield - Page 6

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.