Top 165 Quotes & Sayings by Ron White

I've gathered some of my close musical and comedian friends, and we're going to see if we can't bring a few laughs to these soldiers, raise some money, and hopefully lift their spirits. I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.

I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

We always go out looking for live music after our shows.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

Comedy is all about the pause.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

I don't do any corporate work.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.

That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!

Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I'm pretty good at helping them get there.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

You can't fix stupid.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.