Top 238 Quotes & Sayings by Roseanne Barr - Page 2

I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.

I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.

As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust.

I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone.

I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.

You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'

I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.

A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.

I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did.

You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.

I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.

Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.

I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.

To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.

I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.

Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.

I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.

I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled.

I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?

Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.

I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.

I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.'

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.

I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.

Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world.

I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success.

I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting.

Being nuts is its own reward.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

It's a big culture of mind control too, MK-Ultra mind control rules in Hollywood. If you don't know that, google it and look into it. It's really hard for artists to find their voice in the media. It's levels of brainwashing and mind control.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.

My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Truth is available to the ears that can hear it.

Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but just have a great fear of doing so. Because they think they won't get any men, but you will. You'll get more men, and better men.

Being hated and hunted and blamed for your own suffering makes people kind of testy, nervous, and on edge, and often fundamentalist and extreme. Bombs get thrown only when people cannot honestly talk together.

I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.

Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.