Top 238 Quotes & Sayings by Roseanne Barr - Page 3

Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.

My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.

I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

my parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.

Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones.

ACORN is organizing to make sure the job of rebuilding New Orleans is done by the people of New Orleans and truly benefits the communities who have been hurt the most.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

We had no religion at all, but we were Jews in New Hampshire, and my sister - who is now a rabbi - said it best: We were, like, the only Jews in Bedford, New Hampshire, as well as the only Democrats, so we just kind of associated those two things together. My dad raised us to believe that paying taxes is an honor.

I had left home (like all Jewish girls) in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband, I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny, finally and ultimately sated ... But enough about the pork.

Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness ... it's just been a really great thing in my life.

Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.

I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don't even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

There isn't any New Man. The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.

Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

I used to play Barbies with my Mormon neighbor friend; it was always, "Oh, we're going to go on a date. Ken's taking us out, and we're going with Ken on a date." And I was like, "We're parachuting behind enemy lines to save the Jews." That's how I played Barbies. I was told when I was a girl that every Jewish woman has to have five children to replace three fifths of our people that were killed. That's how I was raised.

There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.

I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

My best friend Linda is leaving her husband just because he is unfaithful to her. That is no reason to leave the person. I feel like after that, you should stay with them and make sure that the rest of their life is sheer hell.

This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.

You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.

My dad taught me swears when I was a toddler, and I saw, at a really early age, that if I shocked people, I would get approval, and it made my arms itch with glee. I got addicted to it. It became this source of power in a totally powerless life.

Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.

My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.

I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine.

The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment Roseanne dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous!

My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.

I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

Self-esteem is the goddamn root of all evil.

Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.

Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.

You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there.

Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.

Oh, hi. I been married thirteen years, and lemme tell you, it's a thrill to be out of the house. I never get out of the house. I stay home all the time. I never do anything fun 'cause I'm a housewife. I hate the word "housewife." I prefer to be called "domestic goddess.

I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.

two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.

The American people are sick and tired of this ‘lesser evil’ garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they’re in office...

Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it.

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.

I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.

Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?

I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.

I think I should be here alone to rethink the world, I do. I want these lesser humans gone.

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

Putting measures like gay marriage on ballots for elections only hurts the gay rights cause and elects more conservative politicians.

Without democracy in our homes, we will never have it in the world.

I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!

Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world citizen, in my opinion.