Top 124 Quotes & Sayings by Russell Howard - Page 2
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an English comedian Russell Howard.
Last updated on April 20, 2025.
I don't like doing things badly, that just feels like a waste of a day.
There's a club called Headliners in Chiswick where I do a lot of my warmups for tours. For me it's a nice 'big-small' room: it's a 300 seater, which feels small but you can still get big laughs.
My mum is unwittingly funny.
I'm trying to write a film with my friend. I'd love to get the thrill of speaking actors making my work even funnier.
I'm happy when I'm working.
'Monty Python' was never on TV in the U.K. when I was a kid.
Everything I experience in life, I put through the sausage-maker that is comedy, and then try to make it funny for others. Whether that is healthy or not remains to be seen.
My life is quite normal and for me it helps with my comedy. If you jump headlong into celebrity life it affects who you are and what you talk about.
I don't really do any corporate gigs or I don't really cash in which is a bit silly and much to the annoyance of my family. I'd rather just do gigs that I like and TV shows that I like rather than personal appearances at a nightclub.
I never really wanted to be on telly.
When you see the American chat shows, they've got so many ideas about what they could with the guests. I did stand-up on 'Jimmy Fallon' and they had loads of sketches and ideas, we don't tend to do that here.
In the summer Regent's Park is one of the best places in the world with every nationality playing every sport.
Whenever the word 'weird' is mentioned it can only be an insult.
It's really frustrating when you write a show and it's really funny and someone and from Standards and Decency says, 'You can't put that in because it has a naughty word.'
Mum's side of the family are daft, beautiful and brilliant.
It's a bit of a cliche but throughout London, even in places like Notting Hill, you'll see utter luxury alongside council flats - it shows the tapestry of life and I adore that.
I have 40 cousins.
If the front-page news is a comedian doing a joke that people think is naughty, that proves there's no real news that day, does it not?
I just assume a lot of people hate me. You just have to suck it up.
I found out recently that my 'Good News' show has a big following in North Korea and the Vatican City! Who knew Kim Jong-un and the Pope liked fast-paced satire?
I'm not really a cake man. I'm more a savoury guy.
Oddly, I am really cool under pressure.
Seinfeld' was never a show in the U.K.
I worked in a watercress bed, picking weeds out of watercress when I was at school. It was awful.
Portland is incredible. It's the most amazing place.
But I did break my mum's heart, because I turned down 'Strictly' twice. I just couldn't do it. It's not for me.
The number of old ladies who've beaten me up on TV is absolutely ridiculous.
I always found it strange, when I went round to other people's houses for tea and that, how strict their parents were.
I've never been on Facebook. My page is run for me. It is the same with Twitter.
These are strange times. I'm 37 and this is the weirdest the world's ever felt. There's a right-wing, nationalistic anger sweeping through Europe and America.
I like New York, I think you've got some of the best comics in the world here.
Genuinely, the first gig I did when I was 18, it felt like the world shifted. I realised that I had stumbled upon a mechanism through which you could view life.
I broke my wrist on TV trying to do a one-armed push-up. A lot of people delight in pointing this out to me.
Neither me or my wife are any good at cooking.
I don't really have a political agenda, I just like things to be fair - I get angered by pomposity and privilege.
When you are doing stand up, it is the most glorious hour, when you are an X-Men version of yourself, with lasers coming out of your eyes.
I did a stand-up performance on Conan O'Brian, which was great, but it's not for me. I prefer England.
I have a friend called James who is in his 40s and he's still not allowed to swear in front of his mum. I find it strange that you can't be yourself and be open with the one person who brought you into this world.
Your country becomes funnier the further you are from it. I remember seeing Boris Johnson on the news when I was in Hong Kong, and he looked so much more ridiculous.
Chappelle is incredible. He is comfy on stage and he talks about big things and small things. He's a version of himself. That's what I've always wanted to be and hopefully I still am.
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
The Bible says gays arent natural.
What, and a talking snake is?!
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".
So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'
Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!
I've never said flange to a monkey!
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
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