Top 93 Quotes & Sayings by Sarah Millican
Explore popular quotes and sayings by Sarah Millican.
Last updated on November 8, 2024.
If an audience is watching you and you're a bloke - it's the same as if you're a woman. They're expecting the same: to be entertained.
I am a comedian. You may or may not find me funny, but the fact remains, that I am a comedian.
I was shy at school, but not at home. We had a boiler that had tiles around it, so if my sister and I got new shoes we'd do a little tap dance on the tiles. I also wrote poems but would read them from behind a curtain.
All of my stuff is based on personal stories to back up my arguments. It's not a lecture, it's still comedy. I think a lot of comics forget that you can have a theme but that it shouldn't replace the jokes.
Pretty much every comic that you see live is going to be slighter ruder, slightly darker and slightly more scary. But there are restrictions when you're on the telly. I'm not trying to rude it up for live. I just have to restrict myself on the telly.
My entire book was typed with three fingers and a very confident space-bar thumb.
It seemed wrong to look forward to watching a man cut his arm off, and especially weird having dined at a carvery before going to the cinema, but Danny Boyle's '127 Hours' didn't disappoint.
I'm very protective of my material. And you have to be, because it's very easy for people just to steal jokes.
If you think how many female comics there are compared to how many male comics there are, I think there are quite a few female comics on the TV.
Well, I have to say, I used to spend a lot of time looking at cat videos on the internet. It's like YouTube have sent me an e-mail asking if I'm alright because I haven't been on in ages.
For people who've never seen me before, some of my material is quite a surprise. I look like your sister or neighbour, and then I come out with something quite dark or shocking, and it's so unexpected.
And bookish people who do their homework and get it in on time and it's good - they don't have friends at school. I never really got in the cliques. I didn't have the right shoes or hair.
I feel like it's my responsibility not to lose weight, to be honest. I'm a bright, successful woman who isn't stick-thin.
When I was a kid, I had a friend who went on holiday to the same place every year and I never understood why. My ten-year-old eyes always wanted new things to look at - new branches of WH Smiths to look for Sweet Valley High books in, and different campsites or self-catering cottages to explore.
If you look at a bill of comics at a comedy club they spread the women out over the months because there aren't that many women doing it.
I got married at 22, which, at the time, didn't seem young. I don't regret it because you can only make the decisions that feel right at the time, otherwise you'll just be cautious about everything and that's no way to live.
A lot of people think that being skinny is the happy ending, and it's not. Being happy is the happy ending.
I'm in awe of actors, I think they're amazing because, I don't think I can even play me in anything. I'm really impressed when you see people like Chris Ramsey, John Bishop and Jason Cook. Just taking up comedy acting, let alone serious acting, terrifies me to the core.
In our family, when you have a part-time job you are then responsible for non-essential clothing. Glittery tops, skirts with tassels, clompy patent leather shoes that are the sensible girl's version of stilettos.
My dad is a storyteller. I've heard his funny stories 500 times, but I would never stop him because he tells them so brilliantly and still knows where to put the funny bit.
I tell the audience bits of my rude life on stage so they don't mind telling me bits of theirs.
When I'm on tour, telly-watching happens at unusual times for me. After a hotel breakfast, I generally catch up on 'Homes Under Hammer' and 'This Morning', while replying to emails and dozing slightly. A full belly will do that to a woman.
An audience not laughing is nothing when your husband's just told you he doesn't love you any more.
It's not enough for something to be popular; it has to be good.
At school I was the mousey one in the corner that nobody really liked.
I'm always a bit late, but I don't mind that, because it means that whoever I'm meeting is already there.
I'm not interested in the what-do-you-do-for-a-living questions.
I never got up on stage and thought, 'I'll wear a flowery top so I can talk about dark evil things,' but it just so happens that that's the way I dress.
If I write a joke and it works, and it works consistently, that is gold to me.
The way it works in my family is as follows: they first loosen their grip at 16 when you are encouraged to get a Saturday job. I was clamouring to start earning and had been doing cleaning jobs around the house for small amounts of money for years.
Because I started doing stand-up relatively late - 29 - someone can shout something at me but it's not going to be as bad as some of the things I've experienced. I've lived a bit.
Fancy expensive designer shops are out for me as I'm a size 18, sometimes 20, and I therefore do not count as a woman to them.
People always say that you shouldn't read reviews at all, or if you do then believe both the good and the bad ones. I just choose to believe the ones that think I'm brilliant. The ones that don't, well, I just don't bother with them.
I might look like somebody who lives next door but I've a dark, twisted sense of humour.
You'd expect the third time you do Live at the Apollo to be easier, easier peasier, a doddle. Like riding a bike. Except I can't ride a bike so that analogy has always been lost on me.
Survival is something I've always managed. To be fair, my parents did the first 16 years without any input from me. I ploughed through many a KitKat, but it was their insistence on vegetables and coats that kept me alive.
Everything feels different on Christmas morning because there's nobody about. And if they are, then they're on a new bike.
My sister tells people that we're all funny in our family, but I'm the only one who gets paid for it.
One thing Aussie telly does well is slightly different versions of programmes we've made. The trailers for 'Celebrity Splash' prove they don't just pick the good stuff either.
I've written four jokes ever about cakes. But because they were show jokes, they were on the telly a lot. And everywhere I go people give me cupcakes. I don't eat them, I give them away.
A place I've been a fair few times is the Lake District. It has the edge on Paris in that it's ace. It's the sort of place I show off to my Aussie mates like I made it or own it or something. I love that I know where to park, where there's a choice of 30 ice cream flavours, where you can fall asleep on the grass while your friends go for a walk.
I'm a fan of the fly-on-the-wall-type documentary, even if I'm not particularly interested in the location of the wall.
I'd hate to live where people knew my history. I love familiarity on holiday but not at home, as I'm sure my neighbours would testify - if I'd ever met them.
There are no secrets. Everything gets mined for comedy.
My sister saved me from drowning. I shouted at her because she pulled me out of the pool and hurt my arm.
When you look out at somewhere like Hammersmith Apollo and all those people have come just to see you on that night, it's overwhelming. You can't rest on your laurels. This tour's got to be better than the last one because I want people to come to the next one.
It's probably a generalisation to say this, but occasionally I'll see a bloke who laughs only after he's checked his girlfriend did. I tend to imagine that's a rocky relationship, to be fair.
My natural way is when I'm live; I'm like that in natural conversation as well, a bit filthy.
Try as I might, I cannot fall asleep before 2am. I sometimes try, putting tea towels over the clocks and forcing myselt to go to bed at 12.30am. I never win.
My humour is a mix of my parents'. I get the chatty, anecdotal stuff from my dad and the filth from my mam, Valerie. She has a very dark sense of humour, I think from having grown up with disabilities. It's a coping mechanism. She had polio when she was eight and has been in a wheelchair for about 20 years.
For someone who is rarely on time, my body clock always knows when it's too early to go to bed and I just lie there in the dark like I'm hiding.
There is something liberating and defiant about going on stage and saying you are 36 and 13 stone.
I'm a huge fan of 'Glee'. Every episode I watch makes me that much happier, and I think it should be obligatory for all people to watch it. I just love the joy!
There are a million reasons why I might not do well at a gig. But none of them are because I'm a woman.
To say I've never seen 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' would be a lie. I once woke up too early in a hotel and put the telly on low to help me drift back off to sleep. Then woke up to such loud shouting that I thought the place was on fire.
We all need a big cushiony telly show to fall back on. Like the pair of slippers after you unexpectedly went Christmas shopping in your work shoes. Like the cup of tea when your deadlines are making you cry. Like the hug off someone who matters when it's cold and you wanted to look nice, not warm.
I used to help my maternal grandad in his garden. He was a lovely, kind man. He turned his spare bedroom into a greenhouse because he didn't have room in the garden, and I remember rows of polythened plants stuffed in there.
Our little cat comes for a snuggle, then the big cat mews for a stroke and moves a few paces, then another stroke, then another few paces, until we realise he has mewed us into the kitchen where their food bowls are. So they eat, we eat, and then we get on with our days.
But from my very first gig I've always been pretty filthy, but that's why we have an age restriction. And I make sure that the quotes on the poster say it's going to be a bit rude.
There's so much to see and do in Austrailia, but a lot of it is outside so I've ben immersing myself in their telly.
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