Top 248 Quotes & Sayings by Sarah Silverman - Page 2

I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically.

I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.

I definitely think that prescription drugs, like antidepressants, are prescribed so cavalierly, anyone can get anything, but I need it. I do think that it needs to work hand and hand with therapy.

You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.

I think I've been called edgy - but in all honesty, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot. Unless you're just listening to buzz words and not taking into account the context of the situation, you see I'm always the ignoramus.

I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.

I like my messiness on stage, though I watch comics who come at a joke from every angle and I think, 'Yeah! That's how it's done!' But for me it's the audience. If I feel connected to them, I have so much fun, and if not, it stinks.

If you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you.

I have no religion. But culturally I can't escape it; I'm very Jewish.

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

I love going to weddings. And I love it when my friends get married. I'm not against marriage but it's just not for me. I'm a vegetarian, but I don't have a problem if you want a hamburger.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.

Women don't ask to be raped, but there are some that are asking to be motorboated

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

I am Jewish and proud of this culturally and ethnically - the ways in which I was born this way and am happy with whom I am.

I don't compromise. I only do the stuff I want to do.

Letting your freak flag fly is something, no matter who you are, that takes great bravery, straight up.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

In the big picture, life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it.

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but he was talking about me!

I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?

I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

I am 39 years old, and I still wake up every morning really excited I don't have to go to school.

The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart.

We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.

Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know... because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years... but younger black women are prostitutes.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.

Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.

When I was 17, I read a profile of Carol Leifer. Since then, I wanted to be her. I still want to be her.

Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.

People say, like, "I love when you smile because part of your mouth goes up," then I never organically smile again.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

One of the greatest things my therapist said to me ... and it really blew my mind in the greatest way, he just said, "Look in the mirror less."

The sun shines directly on this great country, and it can be harvested, it's not owned by anybody. It's something the Jews and the Palestinians share and could work together to make the whole world a better place, not just this Middle East stuff, but the whole world.

Don't tell girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't. It's like saying, 'Hey, when you get in the shower, I'm not gonna read your diary.' 'Wait--are you gonna read my diary?' 'No! I said I'm not gonna read your diary. Go take a shower!'

We don't live in a democracy; we live in a hypocrisy.

I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining yourself by what other people think of you, it's a form of self-torture.

Take lots of time for yourself, discovering yourself-pursue not only a profession but other life passions, I always make time to rock climb or hike or write a few short stories. Also, find good people and surround yourself with them. Most importantly, always believe you will, unequivocally.

What makes Disney movies and Pixar movies always so good, hey take time and they're constantly honing, and tweaking, and rejiggering things, and taking influences from every cog, including myself, that can help. Any place where there can be inspiration. They make every moment very layered and very rich.

I don't need a lot of space.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

You have to take the chance to bomb and disappoint audiences.

I'm all sentimental. I've probably been ruined by romantic movies, but I really do believe in love. I've experienced it, I've had it, so I know it's real.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.

We deserve quality lives with equality.

Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.

If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean.

I don't want to be a facilitator for other funny people. It doesn't seem smart for me to be in a comedy and not be funny. My spirit can't take it.

I do enjoy and feel compelled to talk about things that are taboo. One, because I think I'm a troublemaker inside, if someone says, "Don't say that," it's all I want to say. And also, something I learned in therapy ... which is darkness can't exist in the light, and then that made me think of something that Mr. Rogers said, which is, "If it's mentionable, it's manageable."

A bull in just about any shop is gonna be a mess.