Top 9 Quotes & Sayings by Scott Dikkers

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American writer Scott Dikkers.

Last updated on December 22, 2024.

Scott Dikkers is an American comedy writer, speaker and entrepreneur. He was a founding editor of The Onion, and is the publication's longest-serving editor-in-chief, holding the position from 1988–1999, 2005–2008, and as General Manager / Vice President of Creative Development from 2012–2014. He currently heads the "Writing with The Onion" program in partnership with The Onion and The Second City in Chicago.

American - Writer | Born: 1965

Source: Wikipedia

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Scott Dikkers

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Scott Dikkers

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

Scott Dikkers

That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it.

Scott Dikkers

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.

Scott Dikkers

You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.

Scott Dikkers

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Scott Dikkers

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

Scott Dikkers

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

Scott Dikkers