Top 94 Quotes & Sayings by Spike Milligan

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an Irish comedian Spike Milligan.

Last updated on December 3, 2024.

Terence Alan "Spike" Milligan was a British-Irish actor, comedian, writer, musician, poet, and playwright. The son of an Irish father and an English mother, Milligan was born in British Colonial India, where he spent his childhood, relocating in 1931 to live and work the majority of his life in the United Kingdom. Disliking his first name, he began to call himself "Spike" after hearing the band Spike Jones and his City Slickers on Radio Luxembourg.

Irish - Comedian | April 16, 1918 - February 27, 2002

Source: Wikipedia

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Spike Milligan

When I get depressed, I try to get something for the terrible sadness that comes over me and create something in terms of poetry.

Spike Milligan

The lunacy continues and has every chance of becoming a way of life unless we stop it soon. Men are getting so used to wars that the psychiatric wing of the RAMC are planning how to break the news to the men when the war is over.

Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Spike Milligan

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Spike Milligan

The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.'

Spike Milligan

It's all in the mind, you know.

Spike Milligan

My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; they were all-powerful. I knew that they were an elite in India.

Spike Milligan

I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.'

Spike Milligan

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

Spike Milligan

I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state.

Spike Milligan

As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really - more an illness.

Spike Milligan

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

Spike Milligan

Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like!

Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Spike Milligan

May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots.

Spike Milligan

My parents always threw everything out, gave everything away. I'm surprised they never threw me away. That's why I've always kept my children's things. My parents had no feelings for belongings.

Spike Milligan

Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too.

Spike Milligan

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Spike Milligan

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

Spike Milligan

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Spike Milligan

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

Spike Milligan

We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating.

Spike Milligan

I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals.

Spike Milligan

I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure.

Spike Milligan

You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals.

Spike Milligan

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Spike Milligan

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Spike Milligan

Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently.

Spike Milligan

The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it.

Spike Milligan

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

Spike Milligan

I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships.

Spike Milligan

Things began to improve when I went to Rangoon. To begin with, my father was promoted, which meant he was at home more. The matriarchal society was ended, and for the first time, I went to a boys' school.

Spike Milligan

Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her.

Spike Milligan

One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London.

Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Spike Milligan

We reach a secondary road and - here comes the bonus - we pass the Temple of Neptune and Cerene, at Paestum, both looking beautiful in the sunlight. Strung from the Doric columns are lines of soldiers' washing. At last they had been put to practical use. If only the ancient Greeks had known.

Spike Milligan

It was implanted in me that I came from a different class - an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don't remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school.

Spike Milligan

My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well.

Spike Milligan

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan

I had stopped going to church the moment I joined the Regiment. No more could my mother nag me into God's presence.

Spike Milligan

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Spike Milligan

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

Spike Milligan

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

Spike Milligan