Top 522 Quotes & Sayings by Stephen Colbert - Page 3

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area.

You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief

And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word!' Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen.

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!

Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.