Top 544 Quotes & Sayings by Steven Wright
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Steven Wright.
Last updated on November 25, 2024.
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What a nice night for an evening.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
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