Top 544 Quotes & Sayings by Steven Wright - Page 2

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

So, do you live around here often?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

How young can you die of old age?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.