Top 544 Quotes & Sayings by Steven Wright - Page 4

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

always remember your unique, just like everone else

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Half the people you know are below average.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.