Top 544 Quotes & Sayings by Steven Wright - Page 5
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Steven Wright.
Last updated on November 25, 2024.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Clones are people two.
I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
The speed of time is one second per second.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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