Top 544 Quotes & Sayings by Steven Wright - Page 6

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I lost a button hole.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."