Top 544 Quotes & Sayings by Steven Wright - Page 7

How can there be self-help groups?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

I'm a peripheral visionary.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

My father was a small claims court jester.

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.