Top 544 Quotes & Sayings by Steven Wright - Page 8

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I was an only child, eventually.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

A metaphor is like a simile.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this >>>

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I just lost a buttonhole.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

A fool and his money are soon partying.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

What do batteries run on?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.