Top 100 Quotes & Sayings by Tim Allen
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Tim Allen.
Last updated on April 17, 2025.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
It's true; I have a skill and it's... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios, not related to public whim. It's whether I'm funny or not and whether I can entertain people.
For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.
I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
I have a thing for tools.
My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.
Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
I do a lot of family shows.
I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.
I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.
Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.
I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.
Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.
They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
When you're 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."
Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.
Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.
Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.
Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.
There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, .. Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.
Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.
Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
Jill : What causes sibling rivalry?
Tim : Having more than one kid!
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
The greatest missile in the world is useless ... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids--for everyone, even if you fail at first--to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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