Top 73 Quotes & Sayings by Tommy Cooper
Explore popular quotes and sayings by a British comedian Tommy Cooper.
Last updated on December 21, 2024.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.
I always sit in the back of a plane. It's much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!
I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.
It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny.
The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.
I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!
My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'
So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?
I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
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