Top 73 Quotes & Sayings by Tommy Cooper - Page 2

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.