Top 158 Quotes & Sayings by Tucker Max - Page 3

I tell the truth, and truth is the ultimate defense against libel.

To my friends and people I care about, I'm a really nice guy. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

You can't do anything yourself on TV... unless you have a LOT of money, but you can do an independent movie.

Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.

The result of my hard work is that I'm financially independent, I have an amazing life, and I can do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anybody.

I never felt pressured to create more stories, but dealing with people became really aggravating.

I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.

Hey man, can you talk to dolphins and pilot whales with that huge forehead of yours?

Hollywood, it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular, everyone wants to be with.

You can't fill your emails with crap, at least not with my friends, because they're brutal. If something sucks, they'll tell you.

If you read the book, you're not a journalist. You're some impostor! No journalist actually does any work.

Failure either ruins you, or turns you into the man you can become.

I'm not even the coolest one of my friends. I'm just the guy who sat down and wrote everything down. Like I know plenty of people who do crazier stuff than I do.

Great careers are getting easier to find and audition for, but harder to keep.

A lot of people think that since I'm drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It'd be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, "Why aren't you in your basketball uniform?" I leave out way more than I put in.

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want

Critics stopped being relevant when they stopped writing to inform and contextualize, and when they started writing to signal who they are, to display their identity by their stance on what they are writing about. Criticism should never be about the critic, but thats what it has become, and that’s why no one cares about them anymore.

It used to be that companies with industrial economies of scale created business success. Now, success will come from the information economies of scale, either the ones with complete breadth, or complete depth.

Opinions are projections.

One big lesson I learned from movie [making] was I don't do creative projects that I headline unless I have all the control. I can't deal with having to live with other people's screw ups, and that's just sort of the way the movie business works. The people with the money are in charge. Until I'm in charge, I don't want to play that game.

My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this."

I was stupid when I was 17 or 18. My thought process was that I thought that I was legitimately a hyper-genius, and so I wanted to go to the hardest academic school I could to see if I was really as smart as I thought I was.

Theatrical success is predominantly two variables: who the distributor is and how much money they spend.

Listen to authority figures because of their position, but only believe them if they can explain why.

Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!

TV has a longer narrative, and TV's more like short stories. So there's less rules with TV; you can make it a little bit different. [With] movies, the medium has more constraints, so it was just about what stories are the most cinematic and the best resolution.

Before I was famous, I already was the person that attracted and dealt with a lot of weirdos.

9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.

I'm not some movie star relying on a studio. I have my own fans and I earned them.

Unless you plan on making academia your life, all you need to know about postmodernism is that its premises are fundamentally wrong.

My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max, with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa, I ask the same question: Do you really exist?

I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.

Before you're famous it's stuff that seems like it'd be really cool, but once you get it, you realize it's not bad, but it's kind of hollow and meaningless.

I hated being a lawyer and I wanted to like myself and like my job.

In training, there is no winning or losing. There is only learning.

Fat girls aren’t real people.