Top 235 Quotes & Sayings by W. C. Fields

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian W. C. Fields.

Last updated on December 23, 2024.

William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler, and writer. Fields's comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist who remained a sympathetic character despite his supposed contempt for children and dogs.

American - Comedian | January 29, 1880 - December 25, 1946

Source: Wikipedia

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

W. C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

W. C. Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.

W. C. Fields

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W. C. Fields

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.

W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast.

W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

W. C. Fields

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

W. C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.

W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

W. C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

W. C. Fields

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

W. C. Fields

Top 235 Quotes & Sayings by W. C. Fields

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