Top 235 Quotes & Sayings by W. C. Fields - Page 2

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.