Top 235 Quotes & Sayings by W. C. Fields - Page 3

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian W. C. Fields.

Last updated on December 23, 2024.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

W. C. Fields

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

W. C. Fields

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

W. C. Fields

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

W. C. Fields

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

W. C. Fields

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W. C. Fields

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

W. C. Fields

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

W. C. Fields

I'm looking for loopholes.

W. C. Fields

You can't cheat an honest man.

W. C. Fields

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

W. C. Fields

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

W. C. Fields

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

W. C. Fields

Happiness means quiet nerves.

W. C. Fields

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

W. C. Fields

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

W. C. Fields

Never work with animals or children.

W. C. Fields

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

W. C. Fields

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

W. C. Fields

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

W. C. Fields

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

W. C. Fields

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

W. C. Fields

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

W. C. Fields

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

W. C. Fields

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W. C. Fields

I never eat before breakfast.

W. C. Fields

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

W. C. Fields

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

W. C. Fields

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

W. C. Fields

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

W. C. Fields

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

W. C. Fields

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!

W. C. Fields

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

W. C. Fields

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

W. C. Fields

Ain't fit for man nor beast

W. C. Fields

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

W. C. Fields

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

W. C. Fields

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

W. C. Fields

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

W. C. Fields

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

W. C. Fields

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

W. C. Fields

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

W. C. Fields

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

W. C. Fields

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

W. C. Fields

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

W. C. Fields

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

W. C. Fields

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

W. C. Fields

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

W. C. Fields

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W. C. Fields

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

W. C. Fields

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

W. C. Fields

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

W. C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

W. C. Fields

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

W. C. Fields

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

W. C. Fields

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

W. C. Fields