Top 235 Quotes & Sayings by W. C. Fields - Page 4

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

I can do anything I want to do!

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

I'm searching for loopholes.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

The best thing to break is a contract.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.