Top 351 Quotes & Sayings by Zach Braff - Page 2

I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.

I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.

Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them.

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.

Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a crap what she's saying. Come on, she's a woman. But still, it's very cute.

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.

Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me

Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?

When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker.

It's not that I'm racist or anything, because I'm not, but I just don't think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway.

Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

I like to think of myself as the Chris Benoit of the movie industry, capable of taking any picture and carrying it to box-office success. Take Garden State, without me that would have just been two hours of Portman doging.

It really is fascinating stuff, and I've picked it up on Scrubs. Memorizing lines is at least as hard as studying a text book, I mean, by this point I know about as much as most 'real' doctors.

A lot of people say colonialism was 'evil' or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don't think it should be considered 'racist' to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa.

Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don't understand that

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?

I really don't give a care, I'm going to live for ever

I remember once I went to go see a movie, and in front of me in line there was a little boy who looked so eager to see it, like it was Christmas morning. When he got to the ticket booth it turned out there was only one ticket left; the manager was there and wanted to give it to me instead since I was famous. That's when I knew I'd hit it big.

I'm pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean, I've never seen it. Have you? I didn't think so.

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

I don't know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life.

I mean, I understand that Scrubs was my big break, but sooner or later you have to move on. I've already directed a movie, which received very good reviews, so it just seems much more important to me now. I feel that in order to better foster my creativity as an actor and director at this point, I need to be surrounded by other talented, artistic individuals, instead of just goofy comedians.

You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.

Yeah, I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names, so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam.

I'm not sure when or why the tabloid angle on me was decided that I am a cad. I would have much rather it had been that I am secretly a dentist or that I love soup.

Most people just aren't grateful for the lives they have, and it really saddens me. For instance, I said 'hello' to a man the other day, and he didn't even recognize me. It just really saddens me.

I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?

I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I'm here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe?

I've always tried to learn from the greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... it's just that there's this tremendous pressure to correct all the things they got wrong.

Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.

I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because share the wealth.

You know, I've occasionally tried to watch other shows besides Scrubs, but comparing them is a bit like me competing in the special Olympics. Obviously I would win without contest, but the point is that they are trying their best.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

I'd like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it's called. And that's only when I'm having an off day.

It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.

I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.

If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

Sometimes I regret not being Catholic. I think I'd make a pretty good saint.

If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.

Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.

When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me?

The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.

When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.

I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.

I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point?

A child's death is really of less value than an adult's. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that's not even talking about, you know, pay-wise.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult.

Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.