Top 141 Quotes & Sayings by Zach Galifianakis - Page 2

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the "Girlfriend in a Coma" is, like, really funny.

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

There was a long time where I was an "artist" in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.

If you see something, say something.

My comfort zone is press conferences.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.