Top 156 Quotes & Sayings by Adam Carolla

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

I am not a good cue card reader.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

I'd never hurt another person.

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

I guess my feeling is is that if you're going to make a joke, that's fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you're trying to make.

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.

I get depressed at airports.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

I don't know that I appreciate things more because of how I grew up, but I am very realistic with what I expect out of people and what they expect out of me.

I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

My first car was a motorcycle.

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

I'm not a Republican.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'