Top 154 Quotes & Sayings by Billy Connolly

Explore popular quotes and sayings by a Scottish comedian Billy Connolly.

Last updated on December 25, 2024.

Sir William Connolly is a Scottish actor, retired comedian, artist, writer, musician, and presenter. He is sometimes known, especially in his homeland, by the Scots nickname the Big Yin. Known for his idiosyncratic and often improvised observational comedy, frequently including strong language, Connolly has topped many UK polls as one of the greatest comedians of all time.

Scottish - Comedian | Born: November 24, 1942

Source: Wikipedia

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

Billy Connolly

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Billy Connolly

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

Billy Connolly

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

Billy Connolly

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Billy Connolly

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

Billy Connolly

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

Billy Connolly

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Billy Connolly

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.

Billy Connolly

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

Billy Connolly

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Billy Connolly

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

Billy Connolly

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

Billy Connolly

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

Billy Connolly

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

Billy Connolly

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Billy Connolly

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

Billy Connolly

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Billy Connolly

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Billy Connolly

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

Billy Connolly

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

Billy Connolly

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

Billy Connolly

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

Billy Connolly

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

Billy Connolly

I don't aim to offend.

Billy Connolly

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

Billy Connolly

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

Billy Connolly

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.

Billy Connolly

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Billy Connolly

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

Billy Connolly

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

Billy Connolly

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Billy Connolly

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

Billy Connolly

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

Billy Connolly

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Billy Connolly

I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.

Billy Connolly

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Billy Connolly

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!

Billy Connolly

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

Billy Connolly

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

Billy Connolly

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

Billy Connolly

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

Billy Connolly

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

Billy Connolly

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

Billy Connolly

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

Billy Connolly

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

Billy Connolly

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

Billy Connolly

Never trust anybody with only one book.

Billy Connolly

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.

Billy Connolly

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

Billy Connolly

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Billy Connolly

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

Billy Connolly

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

Billy Connolly

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Billy Connolly

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Billy Connolly

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Billy Connolly

Top 154 Quotes & Sayings by Billy Connolly

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