Top 876 Quotes & Sayings by Jay Leno
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Jay Leno.
Last updated on November 25, 2024.
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'
I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.
Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.
This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."
You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.
With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11.
In a groundbreaking move, the Associated Press, the largest news-gathering organization in the World, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant'. They will now use the phrase 'undocumented democrat'.
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises.
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution?
Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
The Olympics start on Friday, and Russia is implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. During the games, the government will monitor every email, every social media message, and listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are even comparing Russia to the United States, that's how bad it is.
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.
Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'
President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.
We should make politicians dress like race car drivers -- when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.
A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.
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