Top 97 Quotes & Sayings by Michael McIntyre - Page 2

I don't understand people who write blogs and have children. You can't stop in the middle of bathtime and say: 'I'm just going to write a load of words - for free.' I won't do it - unless someone wants to commission me.

The only critics who annoy me are the ones who come to my shows even when they're clearly not fans of my work.

You have to be realistic. Not everyone is going to like you, so you have to focus on the ones who do.

I want to look svelte.

I don't like upsetting people.

People have their special room for Christmas. One year my mum left her present on the arm of the sofa and it was still there the following Christmas!

I can sit and write clever things, but that never quite works as well as when I'm just chatting about stupid things in the moment.

Hard audiences tend to be when it's all men. It's when businesses have dos where they're at conferences all day then book a comedian for the evening. They're men of a certain age - basically middle-aged, balding, 50 to 60 years old and I just know I can't make these people laugh hysterically.

Britain's Got Talent' is about those moments when an unknown person takes to the stage and changes their life in the space of a few minutes.

I think actually performing on stage when everyone's facing you and you're one person facing them, that is quite a lonely thing in a strange way. You have to be quite insular from everybody else, you've got thousands of people staring at you and you're just on your own.

I don't want a chat show or to be on telly every day, as that's not my business; my business is standing in front of people and making them laugh, and I want to see how far I can get with that.

I'm not going to crack America.

One of the weirdest things about Christmas in this country is that people love to watch 'EastEnders' when everyone's in floods of tears and there's a huge row. I don't know if watching it makes them feel better about their own day. Personally, I would rather try to be a bit more positive!

Making the 'Big Show' has been the most fun I've had on telly.

I think if anyone becomes so obnoxious to believe they could be a national treasure, they just need to go on Twitter and realise they're not. That's there to curtail anybody's confidence.

I really, really love stand-up.

I had some terrible times - comparatively speaking. I saddled myself with a load of debt, I wasn't liked by a lot of my fellow comics and I used to blame other people for me not getting a break. But now I realise I just wasn't very good. And as soon as I became good, things took off pretty quickly.

I'm thrilled at the continued success of the 'Big Show.'

Coming up with your own opinion is hard. When I go to see a movie I don't really know if I enjoyed it, so I ask my wife and listen to people talking on the way out. If they all say it was magnificent I'll agree!

Men need to be with women otherwise I don't think they really know how to behave. They'll just stare at me and it's awkward, so I scramble around in my mind to say the rudest things I can think of just to get something out of them.

If I'm honest, I think everything is funny. You've just got to find the right way in. When I'm at my happiest and when I'm really on it, when I feel like I'm really on good form at the moment, everything can be funny.

I've been performing stand-up comedy for ten years, it's what I love and will always do.

I found the idea of trying to create a show that everyone can enjoy really appealing.

Women like me. Women love me. But not so my wife need worry. Not in a 'he's so hot' type of way. More in a 'come round for a cup of tea' way.

I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.

I got my big break at the Royal Variety Performance in 2006 and returned in 2008, but now to host it is such an honour and I'm unbelievably excited.

I usually do quite well with presents, but the problem with Christmas is it's such a big build-up and such a big day that if someone tests you the year after, you've got no idea what you got.

I would never be rude about somebody else in my profession because we all do this same thing. We're just trying to make people laugh.

I don't eat huge amounts, I'm just very lazy. But then this story appeared about me being on a diet and several weeks later I was snapped on holiday with my ''new physique'' on display, which was basically my old physique under a baggy T-shirt. I hadn't been on any diet. But I felt I had to live up to it.

The last thing you want is for people not to care about what you have to say.

They had to ask spain I think, they've had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it's Gordon Brown phoning up going 'pass the salt'

I've got a little baby, I made him...He doesn't speak, he's 2...He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words...car and map...I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!

There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.

Normally you have news, weather and travel.....but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.

So you're mother? Nice to put a name to a face.

My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought 'Ive got the better deal here'...1 Your sister

I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.