Top 132 Quotes & Sayings by Milton Berle - Page 2
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Milton Berle.
Last updated on November 5, 2024.
This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Related Authors
Bill Maher Quotes
American
Comedian
Craig Ferguson Quotes
Scottish
Comedian
David Letterman Quotes
American
Comedian
Demetri Martin Quotes
American
Comedian
Ellen DeGeneres Quotes
American
Comedian
George Carlin Quotes
American
Comedian
Jay Leno Quotes
American
Comedian
Jim Gaffigan Quotes
American
Comedian
Jimmy Fallon Quotes
American
Comedian
Joan Rivers Quotes
American
Comedian
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
American
Comedian
P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
American
Comedian
Robin Williams Quotes
American
Comedian
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
American
Comedian
Stephen Colbert Quotes
American
Comedian
Steven Wright Quotes
American
Comedian