A Quote by Dane Cook
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.
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When you did the job, you thought you were just trying to amuse your friends who are all on the job. I'm just trying to make the sound guy laugh, the script supervisor. A movie like Caddyshack, I can walk on a golf course and some guy will be screaming entire scenes at me and expecting me to do it word for word with him. It's like, 'Fella, I did that once. I improvised that scene. I don't remember how it goes'. But I'm charmed by it. I'm not like, 'Hey, knock it off'. It's kind of cool.
Holey Moley' is the funnest, craziest, most extreme miniature golf series you will ever experience. It was insane. If you've ever played miniature golf, this is unlike everything you've experienced.
Hey, Amy, did you ever want to, like, get on the conveyor belt and see what happened? Like,'Hey don't mind me, I'm just hanging with cargo'?
The world is not checking in with us to see what skills we've picked up, what idea we've concocted, what dreams we carry in our hearts. When a job opens, whether it's in the chorus line or on the assembly line, it goes to the person standing there. It goes to the eager beaver the boss sees when he looks up from his work: the pint-sized kid standing at the basketball court on the playground waiting for one of the older boys to head home. "Hey, kid, wanna play?"
Okay, you can stay at home and Spotify, or YouTube, or you can get off your ass and come listen to what real musicians making real music sound like. And, hey, it doesn't have to be me, but if I'm in town, then yeah, you should definitely check me out.
People come up to me on the street and make some little joke - like they'll say, 'Excuse me, sir, what time is it?' And I'll say, you know, '5:15,' and they'll say, 'Hey! Made you talk!' And that's merely a way of saying, 'I know your work and I like you.'
At first, after my freshman year, it was kind of a joke, going into my sophomore year like, 'Hey, I wanna graduate in three years, two-and-a-half.' And we were just kind of playing with it, added some extra classes in, and then once I finished that following spring going into that next summer, it was just like, 'Hey, I can actually do it.'
It's like, backstage at 'SNL,' like, if you come back after a show or something, or a lot of times even at the after-parties, we're just pretty tired and like, 'Hey, what's up.' Just getting a drink and kind of chilling out. Nothing crazy.
When we go and play live... we go and we work with like different organizations: the food banks, homeless shelters, children's hospitals or different homes that are reaching out to people. And just to actually go and say, 'Hey, don't just hear me play, come to my concert, that's it, hope you have a good night.' It's like, 'Hey, come be a part.'
Television itself is an intimate medium. It's in your house. You're visiting with these people... Not everybody's going to like it, just like not everybody likes everybody on the playground. I mean, that's life - especially if your job is to just go out there and be yourself.
I've hung out at dozens of playgrounds, bored out of my mind, with not even a look of comfort from disapproving mothers all around me. Either they think I'm a pedophile or a deadbeat dad. That's what I get for being a single dad - suspicious looks at the playground.
It was kind of like an agreement, I guess you can say. It was like, 'Hey, bro, you want to be on Team USA?' And I was like, 'Yeah.' Who would say no to that? It was kind of like, 'Dang, I really get to play for my country. I get to represent and just go out there and have fun.'
In high school the very first job I got was I worked as a cashier in Burgerville, which is this fast food place in Oregon. I kind of grew up to be a spoiled little kid so my dad was like, 'You're going to get a job for the summer!' I was this clueless immigrant like, 'May I take your order? Sorry sir, I don't know what I'm doing!'
Every day when I'm thinking about something or want to do something, I say, "Hey, can we shoot some stuff?" or "Hey, can you come with me to the grocery store?" or "Hey, can you..." Just so I can share my personality and who I am, and also use it as a platform to do bigger, more important things.
A miniature poodle is not not a dog just because it's miniature.
I was out on the golf course, a guy came riding out in a golf cart and said, Did you know that Elvis died? And I just said, Well, there you go. It was like I had kinda been expecting it.
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