I think the first thing I did when I was a kid was a Maxwell House Coffee commercial with George Strait. And I did a Wrangler Jeans commercial, and then 'The Patriot' came to town.
One of the first jobs I did was a commercial, a local commercial on the Chinese channel here in Los Angeles, and the whole thing was in Cantonese, I think, and I didn't have any lines, but I was kind of the focus of the commercial.
My first commercial ever was a Dr. Pepper commercial. And then I did a Mountain Dew commercial. A lot of soft drinks.
I'm very pro-Israel. In fact, I was the head of the Israeli Day Parade a number of years ago, I did a commercial for [Benjamin] Netanyahu when he was getting elected, he asked me to do a commercial for him, I did a commercial for him.
I did a Sour Patch Kids commercial. First they're sour, then they're sweet. The Sour Patch Kid throws eggs at me, at my front door, and then comes over and gives me a hug at the end. I also did a Sony PlayStation commercial. They don't give you anything. I thought I was gonna get Sour Patch Kids; I thought I was gonna get a PlayStation.
My first gig was a Corn Pops commercial. I did the first Vanilla Coke campaign. A Juicy Fruit commercial paid my bills for years.
My first professional audition - god, I've never told anybody about this - was for a test commercial, I think it was for Xbox. It involved me getting kidnapped by a granny who wanted to play the Xbox. It was very weird and I definitely had no idea what I was doing. I actually got the gig. It wasn't a commercial; it was what directors did when they wanted to show the company what they would do with a commercial.
Tampon commercial, detergent commercial, maxi pad commercial, windex commercial - you'd think all women do is clean and bleed.
I did a commercial when I was, like, 5 or 6 years old for... what was it called?... Cabbage Patch Kids! That was the first thing I ever did. Little bit embarrassing.
The first acting I ever did was an Italian commercial. Once I did that, I said, 'this acting thing is awesome.'
I got hit up for a tampon commercial and so I asked [JD and Jo] if they had anything. Jo sent that over and I was like, "I love this track. Oh my god. It's so upbeat. It's so positive. It would be so great for a tampon commercial." That commercial never came through, so then I just had it. I was like, "That would be great for a Hillary [Clinton] song." I think it's so funny that it could be a tampon commercial.
I did a commercial for a phone company when I was five. But my first big thing was when I was eight. I was on the first season of 'E.R.'
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
I have done a Hamburger Helper commercial, a Hardees commercial, a McDonalds commercial. American Express commercial.
I did a regional car commercial and an internet potato chip commercial. I was seriously thinking I needed to quit and get a serious job where I can feed myself and it doesn't kill my soul.
By some curious mischance, a couple of my plays managed to hit an area where commercial success was feasible. But it's wrong to think I'm a commercial playwright who has somehow ceased his proper function. I have always been the same thing - which is not a commercial playwright. I'm not after the brass ring.
First they arrested the Communists - but I was not a Communist, so I did nothing. Then they came for the Social Democrats - but was not a Social Democrat, so I did nothing. Then they arrested the trade unionists - and I did nothing because I was not one. And then they came for the Jews and then the Catholics, but I was neither a Jew nor a Catholic and I did nothing. At last they came and arrested me - and there was no one left to do anything about it.