It's no accident that I'm not married and don't have kids yet. Because, despite what I've achieved in my career, I'm always wondering when somebody's gonna tap me on the shoulder and say, 'OK, the gig is up.'
When somebody talks about your career, most people are gonna talk about wins and losses, a World Series or pennants. But if somebody asked me how I would sum up my career I would say I had a unbelievable, fabulous career.
Tap into what you don't want to say. Tap into that secret place, despite the agony, despite the personal pain, over and above the fatigue.
I'm always afraid someone's going to tap me on the shoulder one day and say, 'Back to North London'.
I'm always afraid someone's going to tap me on the shoulder one day and say, 'Back to North London.'
You're not gonna win every outing. I don't mean game. You're not gonna beat everybody out for the top job. Sometimes you're gonna be the best, but you're not gonna get the gig because there are other factors, people making the decision might like somebody more than they like you. It's vicious. And you have to be totally, singularly focused on yourself. Not in a bad way.
If somebody says to me, 'Oh, you're gonna get married and you'll never be attracted to anybody else again,' I'm like, right, sure. It's just not practical to me on an emotional level. Just because I'm married, I'm not dead.
My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.
As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?
Many people say they got into their career by accident. The other side of that is that your career is an accident waiting to happen.
I get up in front of a bunch of kids and say 'Hey, I'm gonna tell you a new story. Who wants to be in a new story?' Well some kid always sticks up their hand and that gives me a name, but it doesn't give me a story. I just say whatever comes to my mind and usually it's not that good. Every once in a while, however, I say something that turns into a really good story.
My biggest goal in life will be achieved when I have a family, when I have my own kids that I can raise myself and bring up based on what I know. I always think it's the wildest idea - raising a whole, entire human is insane to me, and I've always wanted kids.
Part of me feels you can't say you were truly in love if it didn't last. If I end up getting married and having kids, that's when I'll know it's real - because it lasted.
My parents told me they were going to kill me at least a thousand times growing up. "I'm gonna kill you," and then they'd whack me on the side of the head or whatever. And "What's wrong with you?" And "I'm gonna lock you up," and "I'm gonna throw you out the window," and "I'm gonna kill you." You know, all these things that you say in the heat of a normal chaotic household.
So far in my career, I've achieved what I've achieved because I've believed that I could do it. And I've never believed that anyone's better than me, because I think when you start doing that, you've already lost the fight.
It's no accident that I'm not married and don't have kids yet.
I was fortunate enough to have my kids early, so being a mom always ended up being a better gig than these other parts that came along. So I always justified not really working a lot because I had a family.