Top 1200 Quotes & Sayings by Famous Comedians

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say 'no.' But saying 'yes' begins things. Saying 'yes' is how things grow.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Everyone looks so much better when they smile.

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

Someone once said that to make a regular person laugh, you need to dress a guy up like an old lady and push him down the stairs. To make a comedy writer laugh, you have to push a real old lady down the stairs. I don't know who that's attributed to. I think it's Aristophanes. Or Catherine the Great.

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully. Temperance is wickedness.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

The power of visibility can never be underestimated.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I just love bossy women. I could be around them all day. To me, bossy is not a pejorative term at all. It means somebody's passionate and engaged and ambitious and doesn't mind leading.

There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

Competition is the death of art.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.

I grew up in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts and went to college in Washington D.C.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I would say don't take advice from people like me who have gotten very lucky. We're very biased. You know, like Taylor Swift telling you to follow your dreams is like a lottery winner telling you, 'Liquidize your assets; buy Powerball tickets - it works!'

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.

Even nice things don't make you happy when you're tired.

It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you.

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid to go to war, and he's like, 'Umm, I'm taking this sociology class, and I think war is, like, really stupid, and my roommate's, like, half Afghani, so it's going to cause some static.'

The villain of any story is often the most compelling character.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

We live in the age of entitlement, as opposed to enlightenment.

When I was a kid, 'Land of the Lost' was my favorite show, just because it was - in the landscape of Saturday morning cartoons - it was so unique. It was a live-action show and kids were in it, these creatures, these Sleestaks and dinosaurs. Every week was a different adventure. I couldn't wait. I loved it so much.

Fereydun, that's my dad's name. My grandmother, my dad's mom, when she was pregnant, she was dating a man from Persia, a Persian gentleman. It wasn't his child, but he was still very supportive and said, 'Hey, this is a great name,' and so it stuck. So that's what she named him.