Top 1200 Quotes & Sayings by Famous Comedians - Page 2

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

You can't fix stupid.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.

Freelancers are 'free' because they take risks - they don't like being told what to do. That's both exciting and daunting, because you have to police you.

I lost contact with my father for many years because of apartheid. For, like, six years, I didn't see my dad. And, now, this was the six years of being a teenager.

I was drinking so much coffee and Red Bull just to keep going it screwed me.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

I've learned how to use my spam filter pretty effectively.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I'm afraid if I start to enjoy life, the rug will be yanked out from beneath me.

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Everyone's life experience is different.

After 'Nikki' and 'Steve Harvey,' I had written on a show called 'The Oblongs,' which was pretty well respected and had a lot of 'Simpsons' writers on it. So I was a TV writer with an interesting voice at that moment.

Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control.

We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.

My first gigs were at university: I'd dress up as Jesus, jump off a cross and dance to a Mick Jagger song. I don't know if it was funny or not, but it was a start.

If you chase something too desperately, it eludes you.

I had a great movement teacher - he showed me how to walk so I wasn't becoming like a cartoon.

I'm still very much an atheist, except that I don't necessarily see religion as being a bad thing. So, that's a weird thing that I'm struggling with that seems to be offending both atheists and people that are religious.

Obviously a president can't rule as a king and ban all guns. But I think we need a president who is going to make sure that there is gun control and that people still feel like their freedoms are intact.

I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can't get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That's in friendship, that's a deal, that's a commitment. Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.

I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'

I always said I'm not disappointed with Obama because I voted for him because he was black, and as long as he kept being black, I was a happy man.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.

Even in my stand-up, there's a lot more positivity and enthusiasm rather than negative, I-hate-everything vibes.

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

Life is designed to knock you down. It will knock you down time and time again, but it doesn't matter how many times you fall - it matters how many times you get back up.

Christopher Hitchens's autobiography, 'Hitch 22', is a poignant read and very interesting because I have a very poor knowledge of recent political history - or, for that matter, distant political history.

The British Museum is great for seeing how excellent we were at stealing things.

You have to watch CNN, MSNBC, Fox and then the local news and then Al Jazeera. The truth is somewhere in the middle, because all of them are lying. It's what they're not saying that's really going on. What they're saying is called television programming. They're telling you this is the program. You are being programmed.

When you can analyze situations and figure out what's best for you, based on you and not some preconceived notion of what society expects, then nothing is a threat.

If Jimmy Kimmel didn't hire me, I wouldn't have the kind of career I have. And I don't know what kind of career I have, but he changed my life.

Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact.

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but a decision that what we want is more important than what we are afraid of.

I've been to the Bahamas. It's a beautiful country with truly excellent people. When I took a cruise that docked for a couple hours in Nassau, it mostly reminded me of a giant version of my grandmother's neighborhood in Mobile, Alabama... but with better accents.

Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.

I'm very interested in telling darker stories that maybe you are not used to seeing in animation. Especially because in animation you don't see those kind of stories.

How can we be free when we are prisoners to social media, in a world without privacy? How can we be free when our every movement is tracked and every conversation is recorded and can easily be held against us? How exactly are we free if we are tethered to our cell phones?

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.

Science and technology are the keys to both our longevity and our demise. Our entire existence on this planet is a double-edged sword.

I try not to eat right before I perform. It's better to perform on an empty stomach - it just feels better. You just feel like a leaner machine. You're not worrying about digesting things.

I was born in St. Louis; I lived there for three weeks and then my father graduated from St. Louis University, so we all got in the car and split. I don't really remember much. I grew up in Connecticut most of my life and then four years in Germany. My father worked for a helicopter company, so we went over there.

I have been very blessed in my life and rewarded with good friends and good health. I am grateful and happy to be able to share this.

I've never had a piercing before. I thought I'd be cool.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

There are never enough I Love You's.

I wish I had started to play the ukulele much earlier in life.

Get more confidence by doing things that excite and frighten you.

I try to explain to people that you get the roles that are right when they're right. If you have a nerd character but you're kind of a cool guy, you're probably not going to get the nerd part. The nerd is going to get the nerd part. You know, someone like me.

I really am a chick from Long Island who's just learning along with everyone.

The skill set of pastor and comedian are incredibly similar. You want to affect people. You're good at reading rooms. You're persuasive, and you're likable.

I'm prepared to try to talk to a very beautiful girl. I learned a fantastic secret, which is that the most beautiful woman in the room is not being spoken to because she's too intimidating. They're not looking for somebody beautiful; they're looking for somebody to amuse them.