Top 1200 Quotes & Sayings by Famous Comedians - Page 20

I would never claim to be an actor as I have never had any training and apart from being in a panto, before 'Skins' I had not acted.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.

I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their type of humor. I thought that I could do something more substantially meaningful with significant, thoughtful, analytical reflections on real life situations.

I think a big part of feminism - and this is something I'm sure a bunch of women will take my head off for - but a big part of feminism is women allowing other women to just be the kind of women that they are.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

I was'nt always black. there was this freckel that just grew and grew.

The best part about poker is there's no down side.

Feminism isn't about hating men. It's about challenging the absurd gender distinctions that boys and girls learn from childhood and carry into their adult lives.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

Telling lies is the easy bit, but telling the truth and pretending you are lying is hard.

It would be nice to be a piece of toast. Everyone likes a piece of toast, don't they? No one is ever sad when you offer them a piece of toast, and if I could be that to someone, that would be nice.

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They'll give you the same advice that they've given hundreds of corporations - taxes are for douche bags.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes.

Not Going Out's jokes were based on the American mentality in terms of how often the jokes appear.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Clowns are meant to make people smile. That's my goal.

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.

In the past, I have been guilty of returning from work with some parenting words of wisdom, ignoring the fact that my wife has been dealing with the situation for a while. The correct strategy at these times is to wind my mansplaining neck in.

When I was a kid, I was in love with one of the 'Charlie's Angels.' I told my dad, 'I'm going to marry somebody like Cheryl Ladd.' My dad said, 'You're not that good-looking, mijo. You're going to have to make a lot of money if that's what you want.' I went, 'Well, I want that, so I'm going to make money.'

Is being an idiot like being high all the time?

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Halloween is bigger than Christmas in America. I've experienced it in New York, Los Angeles and Washington D.C., and if you're in the right neighbourhood, every house is decorated with spooky ghosts, spider webs, and jack-o-lanterns.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

On my show, nobody's being paid more than me. I don't ask what they're being paid - I just make sure they're not getting more than me.

Into the Woods,' 'Sweeney Todd' - those were my religion.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

Mr. Bean is essentially a child trapped in the body of a man. All cultures identify with children in a similar way, so he has this bizarre global outreach.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

I was on stage last night, and I gave a medical report about Donald Trump. I said he was hospitalized for an attack of modesty.

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.

I hate dinner parties, you know, can't stand them. Friends don't bother inviting me any more, because they know I won't come. I could never think of anything to say between courses - it's a confidence thing, I suppose.

Performers often can be quite socially inept, you know? And even great comedians are like that.

Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever.

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

My name is Brian and I am a troll. An internet troll.

I like to refer to my small social circle as 'boutique.' And much like the hotels of the same ilk, my friends are all unique, high quality, and serve me good food. But more than that, they teach me things about the world and about myself that I couldn't learn anywhere else.

All men in their 40s want to be in rock bands, and I reserve the right to be in a pub band at some point.

I like guys with a sense of humor who smile a lot and are kind.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

What's nice about a lot of Wes Anderson's films is that there's a patience to it. I think that patience brings out a lot more funny things that you would miss otherwise if you just had to make quick cuts and keep the pace, whatever that pace is that bigger budget comedies have to have.

The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.

Comedy can do so much more than make you laugh.

In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that - oh, who cares?

A lot of Christmas episodes feel like stories in quotation marks. Uh, a homeless guy comes to live with them and they all learn a lesson. That didn't come from an organic place.