Top 1200 Quotes & Sayings by Famous Comedians - Page 3

I've got one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

Humor disarms people. It opens them up to starting a dialogue about things they wouldn't normally talk about. I don't understand how people who don't have a sense of humor get through life.

Steve Allen was on Johnny Carson one time - I looked for it, but I couldn't find it - and he read the lyrics to 'Hot Stuff' by Donna Summer like a poet. He read them very seriously. I was maybe 8, but it killed me.

I don't follow politics. I don't read news and I don't watch TV.

When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.

Comedy is a difficult thing for a critic, as, unlike all other art-forms, it has an inbuilt success-o-meter: laughter. Therefore, there's no real need for critics.

I am an undisputed gangster. To me, that means playing by my own rules.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Satire makes people learn something more than being lectured.

I've had a Hindu upbringing. There's a lot about it I think is cool. Temples are amazing. It's a nice vibe when people are praying. And there's lots about it where I understand why they believe those things. But I'm not practising.

I sleep pretty well - seven or eight hours a night.

I don't have a passion for politics, but I do have a passion for truth and justice.

Making tough decisions that may make someone unhappy is something to get good at doing.

Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic but don't give it more attention than it deserves.

Going to a pub when you're not drinking is pretty boring.

I was always a fan of the old-style comics. I loved vaudeville. I loved Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Charlie Callas, all those guys. Hilarious. I love the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope movies, and Abbott & Costello. My television influences were 'Monty Python's Flying Circus,' 'Benny Hill,' and 'Hee Haw.'

I can't take so much of burden on my head, I am a happy-go-lucky guy, I don't take pressure.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

Social media, unfortunately, just makes it a lot easier to be jealous. It sets up false expectations of reality, so it's really easy to look at someone else's life online and assume that they have everything going great for them and that their life is perfect.

I always want to have fun and be silly and be childish. I'm very childish. I am at my happiest when I am a child and I am just playing.

You don't look at each other on the subway.

When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Masculinity involves feminine qualities, and femininity involves masculine qualities.

I worked in a chicken factory, in a steel foundry, I worked on the bins for a year or so. It started as a summer job, but I stayed on because I liked it very much. I liked it that it made you very fit, doing all the lifting and that, so I could wear short-sleeved t-shirts, which I'd never been able to do before!

My first impression of Jane Fonda was she is a queen. She is royalty. She walks into the room - any room - and has this presence about her that demands respect.

I honestly believe true happiness lies in lowered expectations. In opening the door to let the air in.

We have such a long, familiar history with Peter Falk. The minute his mug is on that screen people smile.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

One of the positives of getting older is that you forget your age. Then you find out that you're younger than you thought you were.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

I saw the 'Wizard of Oz' recently and realized that, all my life, I thought they were real monkeys with wings. That's how scary that movie was for me.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

You can't escape culture. You can learn about it. You can criticize it. You can try to move it slowly. But at the end of the day, you can't actually opt out of the culture that you're in.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

The gray has gone away. I am living in bright Technicolor.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

I'm like a goldfish. My memory is terrible.

You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.

Dick Clark and I had such a hysterical relationship with each other.

My disability exists not because I use a wheelchair, but because the broader environment isn't accessible.

I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.

I am restless. I don't mind leaving this comfortable, static life. I could live a year on my own in a remote village.

Being a fish out of water is tough, but that's how you evolve.

I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun.

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

I wrote for 'King of the Hill' for three seasons.

People say I'm charming, but I'm uneasy with that word. Quentin Crisp said: 'Charisma is the ability to influence without logic,' which is terrifying.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Follow your heart. Do what you love. Because I was constantly struggling with that. If it's in your heart, go for it. Don't listen to other people.

Your ideas and the things that you do are dumb and stupid and make no sense - until you start getting recognized and making money. Then you're a genius.

Parenting girls makes you quite gender-conscious - it's almost impossible to fight the power of pink. It's not such a terrible thing to want to be a princess when you're five, but it would be nice if there were some other options.

Sometimes I wish I could clone myself, you know, be in two places at once.

My life needs editing.

I had this grand idea that Elvira's kind of the Santa Claus of Halloween - at the malls, you'd have an Elvira there. Girls would dress as Elvira just like guys dress as Santa Claus, and it's not the real thing, but they'll pose for pictures, sign autographs. Of course, I couldn't go around to every mall, so we'd have to get more Elviras.

My mother is black, from Grenada, so my blackness was always there, but It wasn't until I started hanging with the upperclassmen black actors at my high school that I really got my roots in being a black American, which is a distinctly different identity and experience.

Thank God for the potholes on memory lane.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.